"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

If one's objective is simply to get from here to there, it doesn't much matter which way one goes; if, however, one likes to linger and enjoy the views, one is well-advised to take the scenic route.

Had I gotten here by an alternate route, my destination would be the same, but I wouldn't.

In the fast lane, you'll cover more territory but have less time to enjoy the terrain.

I will know I have arrived when there is nowhere I would rather be.

Ouch!

Pain focuses one's attention.

If you've never felt pain, you will never experience ecstasy.

More than pain, I fear numbness.

Amputation may be no less painful than progressive gangrene, but the pain is generally shorter-lived.

Without periodic application of a soothing balm, minor irritations can become suppurating sores.

A wound will heal more quickly, and less likely leave a scar, if one doesn't keep picking at the scab.

The "Meaning" of Life

"Takes a licking, keeps on ticking": a cheap wristwatch as metaphor for Life.

Life is a procession of petty larcenies and deceits.

I can conjure in my mind's eye images neither more winsome nor more vile than those which daily parade before me.

Airing dirty linen removes unpleasant odors.

THANKSGIVING:

Annual masquerade party when the Munsters pretend to be the Cleavers.

He was my friend for nearly 60 years. We disagreed often--sometimes heatedly--but always civilly and respectfully. Our arguments always ended with an affirmation of friendship and affection.

Brevity is the bane of obfuscators.

Earnest banalities are still banal.

Language-cop Citations

It's barbiturate, not "barbituate"; memento, not "momento"; Ku, not "Klu" Klux Klan; predeliction, not "predilection."

"The original Godzilla was just a guy in a fake monster suit." What's a fake monster suit?

Announcer, as the runner reached the finish line: "Everything he's got is hanging out!" (I hope his Mom wasn't watching!)

Fahrenheit 451: "High temperatures today in the hundreds." (One-hundreds, I hope!)

"Highs today in the upper 60s; currently 74 degrees."

Jeopardy! category: Countries of the World (As opposed to what other countries, Alex?)

The thrill of victory...

The trouble with competition is that, for someone, there's always the "agony of defeat."

Not every victory has to be by knockout; a split decision still goes in the record books as a Win.

For winning to be meaningful, there must be more Losers than Winners.

Try to win, be prepared to lose, play well.

The goal of true Sport should be to better oneself, not to beat someone else.

Dopers and Dopes

The pro baseballer claimed he had "no idea" why he tested positive for steroid usage. Here's a thought: perhaps because he used steroids?!

The athlete's mother believed her son's positive doping test was god's way of ensuring that (after vindication) the victory would be fully savored and appreciated. (Occasionally I encounter a statement so blatantly moronic that I am left literally speechless.)

Team Spirit among professional players lasts only until the next better offer.

With equal alacrity, sports fans embrace winners and abandon losers.

Gangsta Rap

The pro hockey "enforcer" methodically stalked his prey, snuck up behind him and sucker-punched the opponent, breaking his neck. Payback. The camera caught it all--including the attacker's smug smirk of satisfaction. Later, faced with potential criminal charges, he apologized, complete with crocodile tears, to his victim: "I'm sorry--I didn't mean to hurt you." Yeah, sure. Violence in sports is no different from violence in the 'hood, except that gangster-athletes don't have the excuse of economic and cultural deprivation.

Without the likelihood of a brawl, how many fans would attend a hockey match? Without the prospect of a crash, how many spectators would watch a NASCAR race?

The professional wrestler complained, "Fans are becoming like mad dogs." If one feeds Bowser a steady diet of raw meat, one should not be surprised if he develops a taste for blood.

The footballer, in the second season of his seven-year, $49,000,000 deal, insisted he had already out-performed his contract. Who does he think he is--Ryan Seacrest?!

Allies

Ignorance and apathy are the tyrant's staunchest allies.

Despots don't require allegiance, only indifference.

Love, Honor, and...Obey?

Unquestioning obedience is the mark of brave soldiers and cowardly civilians.

Unquestioning obedience is the demand of the master, the burden of the slave.

Safety First

Danger, it seems, lurks everywhere. One response has been the advent of gated communities. But what will become of our social fabric as we progressively retreat, each armed to the teeth, to the false security of our private enclaves?

In the new planned community, all residents will be armed-and-trained marksmen. They will have no one to fear but themselves.

Sometimes the cover-up is more damning than the crime.

Verities

At the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, NBC's Tim Russert observed Bill Clinton's surprisingly high approval ratings: "The president just keeps humping along"!

The dog trainer noted the advantages of a female puppy: "Females are more maternal"!

In a prison riot, several inmates were hurt and one killed; reportedly, the dead man was "the most-seriously injured"!

Police Chief, describing the suspect: "Anytime they're carrying a gun and they're willing to shoot, they're dangerous"!

Child-care expert reveals research results: "We now know that parents make a real difference in the lives of their children"!

Light at the end?

I worry about the children. I grew up with a functional family, in an idyllic small town, during a time of relative innocence. Things are much more complicated now. Too many of our kids today emerge expectantly from their youth, only to find themselves staring down a long, dark, empty tunnel.

I wondered why Newt Gingrich was so villified when he advocated that for some of our lost children, orphanages might be preferable to households in which the parent(s) is/are ill-prepared and ill-equipped financially, intellectually, and emotionally to provide a healthy, nourishing and nurturing environment.

As grade-school children, we practiced duck-and-cover in preparation for the nuclear attack that never came; soon our grandchildren may be participating in similar drills--a shameful legacy.

Education Reform

A teacher that doesn't educate should be fired; a school that doesn't educate should be closed; a community that doesn't educate should be ashamed.

If "every parent should be allowed to send their child to the very best school in ther community," won't we wind up with one school per community?

How did it come to pass that exclusionary social clubs and fraternal organizations were accepted as a positive dimension of a child's higher education?

What's wrong with kids these days?

Now exercise can be fun. Even learning can be fun. Is anyone teaching kids that not everything in life is fun--that some tasks require grinding, back-breaking work?!

Parents feel compelled to fill every silent space, every vacant moment--to keep their kids constantly entertained; then wonder years later why the grown children can't hold a steady job or find an enduring relationship.

"Every child can succeed, no matter what they face." Sure they can--just define "success" as whatever each child manages to accomplish.

Mommy Dearest

Our children's accomplishments make us no more accomplished; neither do their imperfections make us more imperfect.

"Mother of the Year" should be awarded after we see how the kids turn out!

In a TV commercial for a nutritional supplement, a breathless and dejected middle-aged father complained because his son had just beaten him in a basketball game. I wished for my own children that they exceed me in every way.

Too Stupid To Reproduce

The 62-year-old woman already had ten children when she delivered another, following in vitro fertilization. The new mom, already a great-grandmother, deserves a TSTR Award for her comment, "I believe that age is just a number." Shame on her doctors--there is a difference between what medical science can do and should do!

Following use of fertility drugs, a woman delivered eight babies. It was not a medical "miracle," it was a medical side show; if god intended octuplets, he'd have given women eight teats!

Asked whether mentally retarded adults should have children, the social worker asserted that "All Americans have a right to be parents." Who conferred the Right to Parenthood?

The 22-year-old single mom already has five children whom she has never been able to adequately care for. Now she has a new "boyfriend"! What are her, and taxpayers', Rights (and Responsibilities)?

An Afghan hound was successfully cloned from a single donor ear cell. At what point, precisely, did the ear cell become a dog?

Pro-Lifers may argue that a clone is not the result of "natural" conception. So is the living, breathing (barking, peeing, humping) dog not a dog? Would a human clone not be a person?

Immutable Laws of (Mis)Communication

If one's words can be misinterpreted, they will be misinterpreted; if one's meanings can be misunderstood, they will be misunderstood; if one's motives can be misconstrued, they will be misconstrued.

Language-cop Citations

Burial insurance offers coverage for "your final expenses." My final expenses will likely be for my last meal--once I'm gone, the cost of planting me will be someone else's expense!

"Montauk is a place where the hoi polloi often come--the movie stars, the writers." Actually, "hoi polloi" refers not to the uppercrust but to the Ralph Kramdens and Archie Bunkers--and they may more likely be found in Asbury Park!

The author described a seaman who "survived drowning." Drowning means death by submersion--the seaman survived near-drowning!

Isn't Attention Deficit Disorder really an Attention Disorder?

"With proper motivation at home, kids can exceed their greatest potential." Sorry, kids--"potential" is something you should strive to achieve but can never exceed!

Natural Selection

If intelligence and good looks have survival value, how come so many of us are dumb and ugly?

god's biggest blunder was appointing Man as steward of his Creation.

Caution!

STOP.


LOOK.


LISTEN.


(One never knows, for sure, when a train may be coming.)

Just as I was basking in newfound respect for the American electorate, homophobic Californians burst my bubble with their vote to outlaw Gay marriage.

Wake up--and die!

I can't make up my mind about the Death Penalty. I can think of no punishment too severe for many rapists, pedophiles, and murderers--and I see little reason to sustain them, for a lifetime, at public expense. But what if the jury were wrong? And what might be the effect of state-sanctioned killing on our collective psyche?

The state wanted the schizophrenic Death Row inmate restored to competency so he could be executed. A defendent should be competent to stand trial; but, once convicted and sentenced, why must he be competent to die?

After another temporary eleventh-hour stay, he was put to death at 1:37 AM; odd timing--I wonder if they had to wake him up to kill him.

Death Row inmates sue Governor for removing satellite dish

They're guilty of murder in the first degree,
But now this disgruntled constituency
Of killers and rapists have decided to sue--
Without cable they've only re-runs to view.
Claiming protection under the Golden Rule,
"Judge Judy all day is Unusual and Cruel!"

If I believed that evil-doers burn in hell, I might favor the death penalty to speed them on their way.

A Modest Proposal

The United States imprisons more of its citizens than any other nation. We spend $60 billion anually on "corrections." On any given day, nearly 1% of Americans (more than 2 million of us) are incarcerated, many of whom are non-violent offenders who represent little danger and who constitute a vast, relatively untapped potential manpower pool.
I propose we eliminate mandatory-minimum sentences for certain categories of criminals; instead, let's impose variable financial penalties (depending on the seriousness of the infraction, doubled for recidivists), which can be paid off (plus room and board charges) only through mandatory participation in selected public works projects (like trash pick-up, beautification of our parks, restoration of our decrepit highways and bridges). All labor would be valued equally, but jobs would be assigned according to each inmate's interests and/or abilities. Full-time labor all day, jail at night; you earn your way out--you learn the value of work and, while you're at it, you might even acquire a marketable skill--and, like it or not, you give something back to society.

I support the renewed use of chain gangs. I see nothing demeaning in constructive labor, like road building or trash collection; I see nothing inhumane about shackling prisoners together to prevent escape; and I see nothing cruel or unusual in society's insistence that every able individual (whether average citizen, welfare mom, or incarcerated felon) earn his/her keep.

Congratulations to us, America!

Candidate Barrack Obama won my support in 2008 with his powerful forward-looking promise of renewal; in 2012, incumbent president Barrack Obama will have to earn my vote with the promise fulfilled. Break a leg, Mr. Obama!

It was fascinating how quickly on election night the historical revisionism began. As the outcome became clear, one Conservative commentator favorably equated the fervor of evangelicals who twice supported Bush with the enthusiasm of progressives now committed to Obama. But Bush was a bumbler with a mediocre intellect (at best) who could barely mutter a coherent sentence and should reasonably have inspired no one; whereas Obama obviously posseses a prodigious intellect and is capable of soaring rhetoric that can inspire and uplift even his critics; the pundit confused zealotry with zeal.

What a pleasure this is going to be--a president who has at least demonstrated mastery of his (and our) native tongue!

Designer Genes

Though I could replicate the core of me,
And clone a couple dozen more of me,
Abstinence I would demand of me--
One is all that I could stand of me!

The question is no longer whether we can clone ourselves, but why we would want to.

Verities

Financial planner advises saving for retirement: "The more you have, the better off you're going to be"!

Papal Emissary: "If a miracle is a miracle, it's a miracle"!

The wife murdered her husband, then killed herself; investigators disclosed that the couple "may have had marital difficulties"!

A psychologist testified that the teenage mass murderer "has a personality defect"!

After the bank robber was shot dead, the police spokesman announced, "The subject is no longer a threat to anyone in this area"!

Be careful what you wish for.

It's Election Day! If Democrats win an overwhelming mandate, controlling the Executive Branch and both chambers of the Legislature, they will then have to govern--they will no longer be able to credibly blame the Republicans for their failures.

Lumpers and Splitters

When it comes to reaping the benefits of Affirmative Action, advocates want to group Blacks, stressing their similarities; when it comes to crime or teen pregnancy, advocates shun "stereotypes," emphasizing Blacks' differences.

One minority student argued, "I don't want a handout, I just want an opportunity." But an opportunity undeserved is a handout. The only opportunity she should be guaranteed is the opportunity to compete under a uniform set of rules that neither favor nor discriminate against any group.

Clarence Thomas is criticized because he was a beneficiary of Affirmative Action but now opposes it. Many Germans benefited under National Socialism but later renounced it. One need not remain slavishly devoted to any credo from which one gained some personal advantage.

I watched a tribute to Black Art (as best I could tell, any work produced by a Black artist). Would it be politically and taxonomically correct to classify American Gothic, the Sistine Chapel, and Andy Warhol's soup cans as White Art? Art is transcendent--let's leave it that way.

Final Days

Homo sapiens may simply be another evolutionary dead-end that will be shrugged off for failure to adapt.

Man will be succeeded by a fitter species--one that can control its fecundity and accept its mortality.

The extinction of humankind will be a boon to every living thing save humankind.

Man's self-extermination will usher in a Golden Age for the few remaining creatures for whom we have not by then rendered the planet uninhabitable.

For Man, a doomsday comet is "Lucifer's Hammer"; for the Earth, it's a celestial enema!

How many "wake-up calls" do we need before we wake up?

I clearly remember, at age nine or ten, being stunned to learn in school that there were two billion inhabitants on Earth. Within my lifetime, that number has more than tripled. But we need not fret about the consequences for posterity of our indifference toward population control--our children's children can always rely on Famine, Pestilence, and War to restore balance.

We possess the know-how to create an Eden; that we lack the will and are, instead, producing a cesspool is testament to Man's depravity.

A few contrarians still dispute the impending reality of apocalyptic global warming and claim, instead, that we are actually at the dawn of the next Ice Age--while the debate festers, a medium-weight worsted should do nicely.

I no longer despair for the future of our species; we will get exactly what we deserve.