Morality Play

The letter writer blamed "left-wing secularists" for the college shootings and advocated the favorite right-wing cureall, a return to "absolute, faith-based morals." Whose faith? Which morals? Those that generated the Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials? Those that spawned the Taliban and the Ayatollahs? Who will serve as Arbiter of Faith and Morality?

The Conservative columnist noted "a major decline in morality as a direct consequence of a major decline in the influence of religious values." I agree; I, too, yearn for the bygone morality of our god-fearing forebears who exterminated Native Americans and enslaved Blacks, denied suffrage to women and exploited children-laborers in sweatshops, celebrated public lynchings, and burned witches at the stake. Gimme that ol'-time religion!

Is one moral if one behaves morally because of divine intimidation and threat?

Credo

" I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." How much more optimistic and empowering than a credo that concedes one's helplessness and relegates one's destiny to disembodied spirits.

During Obama's first address to Congress, it was distracting watching Nancy Pelosi, seated behind the president, popping up and down like a bobble-headed jack-in-the-box!

Catholics went about their mid-week affairs branded with a smear of ash on their foreheads; and their god was well pleased.

Did you scrub behind your ears?

If you're thinking, "He's a real son-of-a-bitch" (or this or that), ask yourself: "What else is he?" Ask again--and again, until you can find something positive to attribute.

The pot does not cleanse itself by calling the kettle black.

Language-cop Citations

Rumors are rife, kumquats are "ripe"; unrest is fomented, beer is "fermented."

Unless you are a Parisian, or straining to sound like one, "homage" is pronounced hahm-ij, not oh-mahjh.

A "pre-owned" car is a new car; if it's used, it's previously-owned.

Leadership Consultant: "We're all leaders." Then who will follow us?!

What does it mean that someone is imprisoned for the remainder of his "natural life"?

Mysterious Ways

Willard Scott praised "the good lord" that more didn't perish in the lethal mudslides. Amen. And thank the good lord for the torrential rains that spawned the quagmire. And thank the good lord for the hellish wildfires that destroyed the natural barriers to the rapacious flow. And thank the good lord for the sixteen souls who were swallowed whole by the omnivorous ooze.

Her father thanked god for "watching over" his daughter when she was mauled by a mountain lion. Indeed; god watched as the lion stalked, leapt, and ripped the young girl's face off.

I rest my case.

In a typical defense of god, C.S. Lewis argued that god was aware his gift of Free Will might be misused but determined that the potential benefit to Man was worth the risk. Might be misused? Risk? An omniscient god would have known--with absolute certainty--that Free Will would be misused. It was god, himself, therefore, who knowingly and willfully created evil--Man was simply an unwitting victim fulfilling his ("god-given") destiny.

Spare the rod...

The rabbi urged parents in interfaith marriages to teach their children one religion or the other so the kids will be able to answer "What are you?" I say children should be taught that nonsensical questions don't deserve answers.

They deplore the abuse of innocent children, even while flogging their own with Original Sin.

Most of us didn't choose our religion--like a worm shoved down the throat of a baby bird, it was force-fed to us when we were young and defenseless.

Religion should be a personal, informed, adult decision--leave the children alone!

Linguaphile's Corner

Every statement is (at least) a double entendre.

Sometimes a period can be more emphatic than an exclamation point.

Inflammatory rhetoric is like gunning the accelerator while in Neutral: one risks spinning out of control when shifting into gear.

Truths and Consequences

Confession may be good for the soul but does not excuse offensive behavior or relieve one of accountability.

It is meaningless to "take responsibility" for one's actions unless one also accepts the consequences.

Verities

After the agency received an "F" for its failed effort, the FAA spokeswoman acknowledged: "That's not a very good grade"!

During a moment of national hand-wringing: "Kids see an average of forty-five episodes of violence on TV every day. That's got to add up"!

After the fatal plane crash: "The NTSB will be investigating whether something went wrong with the flight"!

Q: "Why don't more people know about this disease?"
A: "It's a matter of awareness"!

Pre-game prognostication: "As long as we can keep them from beating us, we have a good chance of winning"!

Miscellany VI

A righteous man may be betrayed--an evildoer can only be exposed.

False humility is more repugnant than genuine hubris.

We cope with the threat of natural disasters by assuming they will strike someone else.

We constantly strive for "inner peace." But history's greatest achievers have been driven by inner turmoil.

The capacity for introspection may be the most-distinguishing quality of our species, responsible for much of our self-improvement and many of our neuroses.

Miscellany V

We're losing the ability to distinguish wants from needs.

Savor small pleasures--they're easier to come by than the biggies.

Were we worse or better off when we were more repressed?

Self-doubt should make one cautious, not catatonic.

When you don't know what to do, resist the urge to do something.

Elites of the world, unite!

One need only examine Box Office Receipts and Neilsen Ratings to appreciate the unfortunate extent to which our popular culture reflects the pedestrian tastes of a plurality.

If an Elite is someone who recognizes a distinction between High Culture and Low Culture, and believes the former worthier of encouragement than the latter, I gladly accept that appellation.

Power of Prayer

"For weeks they prayed for rain." Then it rained. Thank god.

If parents practice faith-healing and their child dies, does that mean their faith is imperfect, their entreaties are undeserving, or their god is otherwise preoccupied?

Wouldn't a true believer stop praying once god had ignored or rejected his petition?

We seek comfort and consolation from prayer, like a perseverating laboratory rat continuing to press the lever long after all the food pellets have been consumed.

Obdurate acolytes will be praying on Doomsday.

More "365 Days..."

The axiom that there are no Atheists in foxholes proves not the existence of a Supreme Being but the potency of our primal fears.

Primitive deities demanded human sacrifice. Our more civilized gods require only the sacrifice of Reason.

Labeling

No need to shackle yourself with limiting labels--others will be more than happy to do that for you.

Attaching a label doesn't create understanding or establish truth.

By defying categorization, you'll intrigue your supporters and confound your detractors.

Language-cop Citations

The historian displayed the last loveletter from the "illiterate frontiersman." If he were illiterate, how did he write all those mushy letters?

By now, is there anyone on the planet who doesn't know that when an earthquake "measures six..." that's "...on the Richter scale"?

"Supernatural" is a nonsense word--if something occurs, it's natural.

Figure-skating commentator Dick Button performs a Double Lutz of a metaphor: "It was a wild roller-coaster of a merry-go-round!"

It's Merriam-, not "Miriam," Webster; it's Westminster, not "West Minister; it's corpus delicti, not "corpus dilecti" (and it has nothing, necessarily, to do with dead bodies).

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

One distressing aspect of the more-sensational TV talk shows is that they all find a ready store of nitwits to exploit.

For some, the spotlight can be irresistably seductive, even when focused on their blemishes.

How does having one's faults exposed make one "more human"?

Some contrarians argue that restrictions on executive compensation will cause good managers to quit their jobs. I have two problems with that argument: 1) many of these "good" execs are among the aiders and abettors who created this mess, and 2) in this economy, where are they going to go?

The California Medical Association is investigating whether implanting all those embryos was a violation of practice standards. In a mother-of-six, the only acceptable "standard" should be zero!

It could have been worse.

Why should it comfort me, knowing that others are worse off than I?

Are stories of other's hardships "uplifting" because we admire the survivors' fortitude in facing adversity or because we're relieved that their tribulations afflicted them, not us?

When things don't go our way, our first reaction is to look for someone or something to blame.

It was always painful watching George Bush stammer and stumble through his (occasional) press conferences; it was refreshing to witness our new president's grasp of the issues and command of the language.

Top of the Food Chain

Even bright individuals, when aggregated in large groups, often collectively act stupid.

The clerarest differentiae between us and our Stone Age forebears are our weapons of choice.

Only in humans do instincts become obsessions.

Is mental illness the price of our species' higher intelligence?

Rancorous partisan politics guarantees an imperfect Economic Stimulus Plan; still, likely better than either party would have produced on its own, unopposed.

Identity Theft

Our identities are forged not only by who and what we are but by who and what others think we are.

Great harm can result when one's Group identity overshadows one's sense of Self.

Can anyone hear me out there?

I enjoy going to the movies. But I object to the painfully loud audio, especially during pre-show trailers and advertisements. Such excessive volume is not only an annoyance but is a public health hazard that can permanently damage patrons' hearing. Surely we must have ordinances against dangerous noise pollution. Where is the enforcement? The Health Department should be conducting periodic, unannounced decibel-checks at all local theaters and should levy substantial fines for violations.

From the git-go, I concluded that the octuplets' mom was either stupid or crazy. Now I've seen some of her interviews. She isn't stupid.

Interviewer, referring to the single mother of fourteen small children: "Might there still be a positive outcome to this?" No; a family of fifteen--each occupying space, consuming resources, generating waste--is already, by definition, a terrible outcome.

Dreamworks

To avoid disappointment, work hard and dream small.

To devotees of "If you can dream it, you can do it," I ask: How's that been working for you so far?

With unemployment at alarming levels and rising, mightn't now be a propitious time to revisit the hot-potato issue of undocumented workers?

Linguaphile's Corner

An authorized embargo is a sanctioned sanction!

A ban on assault rifles is an ordnance ordinance!

A melancholy complainant is a plaintive plaintiff!

"A man's house is his castle" is a premises premise!

Verities

First annual Sportsman of the Year: "The first award happens only once"!

The decision to escalate the attacks by bombing downtown Belgrade "could be associated with increased civilian casualties"!

After two weeks, NATO believed its nonstop barrage was "making life more difficult for the Yugoslavians"!

Clarifying the elements in a gymnastics routine: "Everything comes one after the other"!

Jay Leno, introducing children-inventors: "These are the young people of tomorrow"!

Presidential Two-week Report Card

Style: B

Substance: C-

Comments: Plays well with others.

Re: his appointees, President Obama is being ill-served by his advisers; re: his economic stimulus package, he is being ill-served by his allies.

More "365 Days..."

On September 11, 2001, the Doomsday Clock started ticking--fulfillment not of divine revelation but of human folly.

J'accuse!--god either made it happen or let it happen; god gets no more capital gees from me.

The minister responded to the bereaved daughter's anger: "god doesn't give us diseases." Then who gave the dead woman the lethal pathogen and the imperfect immune system that together killed her?

My friend's brand-new grandbaby is in the hospital with meningitis. Now might not be a good time to argue the merits of your all-powerful, loving god.

No self-respecting god would tolerate so many hackneyed, gratuitous apologies offered on his behalf; he would smite the presumptuous apologists.

Miscellany IV

One may deny one's past; one cannot escape it.

Like it or not, we are, each of us, alone.

When you think things can't possibly get worse, they can; when you think things will never get better, they will.

Count on nothing, rely on no one: strategy for survival or prescription for despair?

When you can't find what you're looking for, look within.

Miscellany III

"You can run, but you can't hide." Oh yes you can--you can hide from everyone but yourself.

You can always "do better"--but only at the risk of losing what you've already got.

A spectator watches; an observer sees.

The pessimist sees the glass half empty, the optimist sees the glass half full; either way, both have only half a glass.

The challenge for most of us is to gracefully accept defeat.